Want to lose your job? Want to lose it fast? Here are some sure-fire ways to get dumped by your boss faster than Donald Trump can say, 'You’re fired!'
Being clingy, pinkifying his bathroom, mocking up an album of your future children, turning up at his boys’ nights and naming his manhood are all definite ways to scare off a guy.
The workplace is also a minefield of dos and don’ts, so if you want to play the game, get to know the rules before it all ends in unemployment!
Getting up close and personal with the person who pays your wages is a definite no-no if you want to keep your job. Don’t be fooled. Initially it might seem like getting cosy with the boss will be beneficial to your career – promotions, pay rises and perks are bound to be part of the relationship package, right? But when the honeymoon is over, it’ll become brutally clear that the only thing you’ve gained is an office full of enemies and a bad break-up you can’t avoid unless you ditch the job as well.
Drunk dialling and texting is a modern phenomenon that wreaks havoc on relationships – and getting careless with technology in the office can also spell employment death. If you are overcome by a temporary bout of carelessness when you fling an email into cyberspace, it could come back to bite you – badly. If an email bitching about the boss misfires and ends up in their Inbox, you could be out of work quicker than it takes to hit Send. Be cautious of hitting Reply All, double-check recipients, and perhaps even steer clear of M-rated content altogether if you still want to be hooked up to that email account the following week.
Calling in coughing, spluttering and sounding like you are on the brink of death might get the boss to give you the green light to spend the day away from the office. But if you decide to spend your sick day gallivanting on the beach, hitting the shops or lunching with the ladies, you had better hope no one from the office catches on or you could find yourself with more days off than you bargained for. Technology once again intervenes here to help you on the road to unemployment. Mentioning how you pulled the wool over the boss’s eyes in your Facebook status when the boss happens to be your Facebook friend is like waving a red flag to a bull – you could wind up getting gored.
Work events are funny old affairs. All logical reason points towards getting drunk. There is free booze aplenty, an abundance of nervous energy that needs to be dispelled and, well, did I mention the alcohol was free? The good news for those looking to get fired is that 17 glasses of champagne is a fairly good way to speed up your trip to Sacksville. Whether you end up hitting on the boss in front of his wife and three kids, dumping a glass of Merlot into a client’s lap or simply hijacking the karaoke microphone for the evening – there’s a fair chance you’ll have to face the real music when Monday morning comes around.
You were dux of your school, got a scholarship to study law at the country’s most prestigious university and graduated with first-class honours. You were then accepted into a top law firm and are now looking for new challenges. On the back of these impressive credentials, you blitzed the interview for this new job and are now sitting in a sweet office with an even sweeter salary. Only one small problem. Your resume and interview were based on an elaborate web of lies and now you are faced with a pile of work and no idea how to actually do any of it. It doesn’t matter how convincingly you talk your way into a good gig, the lies will catch up with you very quickly and you’ll be back spouting them on the job-hunting trail quick smart.
Just because your company set you up with a computer doesn’t mean you have their personal blessing to spend the day surfing the Web at their expense. If you are uploading photos onto Facebook, checking Hotmail or frantically bidding on ebay every time the boss walks past your desk, they may eventually start to wonder what they are paying you for (and we don’t mean so you can afford those Jimmy Choo shoes that you’ve only worn once).
Looking for a job while you are on the job is also not the best idea if you don’t want to be packing up the contents of your desk in the near future – the very near future.
There is a time and a place for rude jokes and the intimate details of your private life. That time is not between nine and five and that place is definitely not within the small confines of an office. Getting inappropriate at work is bound to put a few noses out of joint and could even lead to charges of sexual harassment. Furthermore, non-business talking wastes more company dollars than any other activity, and whiling away the days gossiping by the water cooler or discussing your weekend escapades loudly on the phone could put the boss out of business – if they don’t put you out of their business first.